Welcoming the Witness: My Spider Medicine Story
In the beginning, there was fear…
Over time, my personal and professional “brand” have become synonymous with spiders. A winding evolution has occurred in my mind, body and spirit to arrive from straight up phobia into right relationship with spider medicine. Here, I spin my story.
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For most of my life, as long as I could remember, I had a phobia of spiders. Somatically speaking, upon seeing one, a knot of nausea pitted in my stomach, my nerves and heart rate rose to high alert and all other conscious thoughts outside of tracking the spider’s location vanished.
It was completely irrational. Overtime, I knew it and I didn’t care. I felt entirely unsafe and vulnerable in their presence. As a young girl I would drop everything and scream in a visceral way that would summon a parent to kill the being. Over time this shifted into my spouse’s role. If I were unfortunate enough to be alone in the house with one, I might franticly pack needed items and relocate to another room for the rest of the day (or days) following.
Then, one year, amidst a myriad of mindfulness work, I — for the first time — considered questioning what exactly made me afraid of spiders. I had felt enough embarrassment as a late-twenty something to inspect my psyche as to why this specific bug, thousands of times smaller than me affected my entire way of operating. For once, I cared to grow an inspired iota of space between the seemingly uncontrollable reaction I had when seeing a spider and the reasons for it …
I started with the basics…
Quickly was able to generate a number of problems I had with the species. This was minimally soothing. My inventory of reasons on why I didn’t like spiders included:
too many eyes; their looming presence
the concept of being watched/aware to something I wasn’t in relationship with
too many legs; their stealth and speed
their own fear that I felt… or was it a projection?
being surprised by their presence
other; an obscure spookiness I was obsessed with yet not able to articulate
I really mean it though about the phobia. It was not out of the ordinary that I’d chuck a cellphone across the room upon their on-screen appearance. I nearly drove my car off the road when I was pregnant with Rex while first settling in Boulder when one scuttled across the inside of my windshield. I did get my car parked in an industrial lot for longer than necessary to remove it under pure panic. Once, I saw one at my back door and didn’t use that entrance for several weeks. That was the thing with spiders, the fear remained long after the interactions passed.
At this point, I essentially initiated my own exposure therapy. Whenever I felt brave, I would look up images or inspect spiders physical forms a little closer while they were in the vicinity. I learned about their ways of existing and the types which could actually cause harm. I opened dialogue and relationship if I found them in my spaces finding an agreement with most that they would not move too quickly or come too close. I even started removing them if I felt uncomfortable enough which was a cosmic improvement from their previous and immediate death sentence.
I began receiving gifts in the form of spiders, pictured is a malachite pin from my friend, Nikki.
I continued with the subconscious…
Remember above when I said there were other reasons for my fear that I could not yet articulate? Here’s where the psycho-spiritual threads emerge. I came to recognize spiders as the avatar for my fear. My reactions were not rational and it was my relationship to fear that actually amplified my obsessions.
In between this phase and the previously mentioned, I had softened to the symbolic power of the spider, even including its web as 1 of 24 main icons of my Follow Your Heart Oracle Deck. The Sit With Shadows card is connected with mirror work and underworld exploration. I accepted that the spider is an archetype of creation, a divine feminine who weaves our lives and destiny. I accepted her associations with the moon due to her lunar activity and posturing. I respected her associations with aggression and destruction as the other side of her artistic expression. My logic around spiders was shifting but my embodiment required more attention. Just like with the Sit With Shadows card, the time came — possibly thorough my daughter “Daphne Arachne”’s invitation — to descend deeper into the illusions to uncover my truth.
An early shrine I created named “Witness”.
The descent…
It was fall 2021 in my postpartum period where synchronicities around spiders became spookier and heavier than before. I could no longer deny the karmic labyrinth they’d spun for me. Through my own psychoanalysis I found connections between my matrilineal line, our fears, our shadows, and the sticky nature of these omens. Once these dots were connected, I found myself presented with a chance to choose differently for my daughter and generations to come. It would require the courage to face my fears and fears beyond me that I still carried.
I had felt ready to address my darkest childhood trauma (brought to light seemingly by my own daughter’s pregnancy and birth) and I built my own care team: CBT/EMDR therapist, psilocybin protocol (micro and macro experiences), somatic integration with a Trauma Touch Therapy practitioner, and a sabbatical guide. Although none of these modalities specifically addressed the spider in the room… they supported me enough to make contact myself.
A tweet I made September 2021… file this under: saxophones getting louder
From Phobia to Phenomenal Ally
Over time, through continuous confrontation with the spider and all she represents, I came to identify closely with her wisdom, psychic prowess, and creative abilities. I began adorning with them in my jewelry and body ink, drew them in my art and called on them for protection.
Dewdrop opal tooth gems, spider lip tattoo, sit with shadows oracle pull.
I began to welcome the witness. Welcome more eyes, more honesty, and more vulnerability. The discomfort of being seen in moments where you’re off-guard, and not polished. Feeling grace the gap between instinctual, primal fear not yet grounded in logical reality. I welcomed the eerie sense that someone, something knew information about me that I had not spoken. From here, my respect and awe of the spider species grew. I claimed not only my gut-twisting fear but also my deeply-sown power.
The newest arachnid ink, protect ya neck…
The spider has become the perfect mascot of my work — a creature of the taboo underground who sees what many do not but brings healing and balance to the ecosystem through web-spinning creativity, psychic connection and careful witnessing presence. Their spiritual support has become even silkier in the last year upon my introduction to The Norns and norse runes but I’ll have to save that richness for another post.
Nauthiz, rune of the Norns — the three Norse mythological sisters and weavers of fate share a critical connection to the spider card of my deck. Looking forward to sharing that saga with you when the time comes.
Where are we now?
This metaphorical yet very visceral relationship has been a healing totem for me. I find it truly miraculous how a dynamic once rooted in disgust, violence, debilitating fear and void of nuance has become a source of courage, pride, growth and acceptance.
I’m not “healed” in the sense that spiders never scare me now. That’s not the point. The element of surprise is still triggering. But our ways of relating are mended. I would consider myself graduated from phobia status. As much as I respect spiders, it would be foolish to disregard true measures of safety for the sake of living an edge. However, I have gotten to know local subspecies and their behaviors. Having a basement bedroom has encouraged ongoing exposures… they’re very much present. I am now able to remain in my body for most encounters and if one has a shifty or untrustworthy energy I remove it or set a boundary — verbally and psychically. So…
Are you ready to welcome the witness?
What’s your relationship to spiders and our medicine?
I’ve opened a 1:1, deeply personal spiritual and wellness mentorship. Beyond Oracle Mentorship exists because some shifts are meant to be witnessed yet remain private. Three spots are open to begin this month. If you yearn for being seen, heard and tended in the intricacies of your healing journey, I am here for you.
CLAIM YOUR SPOT HERE.
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Spider House Charm Available
This one of a kind charm is called St. Lucy. She’s the patron Saint of Sight + Light. Paired with the spider, I find her gaze to be illuminating in the shadows and befriending to the cobwebbed corners of our minds or homes… COLLECT THIS PIECE HERE. I trust this hand-painted talisman will go to the home of a special spider sister.
Vlog footage February 2024 • Petting Tallulah the Tarantula at Vibe Gym Denver • Watch here at timestamp 6:21.